The gears begin to grind...

Well its begun...
I took the first few steps today...
Ive begun building a supercomputer...
Im going to get a java based Distributed system on the Top500 (www.top500.org)...
And its starting with a test demo at my university...
I may be able to convince the SCIS staff to include my app on the hightest traffic volume page(s) they have control over. And then i can setup a test run.
Im going to need a couple of java code, benchmarkers to calculate the proccessing power. They shouldnt be too hard to get.

And then i need a real process to run on it as a test. Perhaps a prime number calculation?

Slashdot | SGI & NASA Plan 10240-Processor Altix Cluster

Slashdot | SGI & NASA Plan 10240-Processor Altix Cluster

Holy Fuck thats a lot of processing power...

Now all we need is a debugger big enough to load all of windows XP and... mabey in 15 years we can have ourselves a nice clean copy of XP to use...

Second Semester...

Well the second semester of university has started... and its going well...
Data coms lecturers are pretty good...
The Linear Algebra one seems ok too...
I and i find out how Data Structures, is tommorow...

But now for the cause of my displeasure and depression...

When i enrolled in my units last semester, there was the ability to organise the classes for the various units together so that i didnt have any on friday...
But the enrollment system had a small glitch with the prerequisites of one unit. so i had to sort out the times for its classes yesterday when i got that sorted.  So despite my best efforts i have lost my free friday...
Im going to try and see if i can do the lab some other way....
That free friday was realy important to me...

 

RFLAN 7...

Well it went good as far as i can see from my perspective.
No catastrophic events.
Plenty of gaming, lots of good leeching.

Helping out was worth the stuff i leeched.
but all that is a real bitch lol...

Started plans on my case for when i bring a computer to the next one.

Got tons of music.
Special note to these items...
4 hours of music mixed live from The Church. The complete soundtrack to Chrono Cross.
A specialy cut copy of The Matrix Soundtrack (1st movie), which includes the full 6minute 35 second version of Proppelerheads ~ Spybreak.
And The brand new Prodigy album "Always Outnumbered, Never Outgunned"

And i finaly, I got some current photos of myself too. Dressed up like a buisness man (not realy dressed up, i actualy can wear a full suit casualy right up to the tie, the microfiber one i have breaths so well i rarely sweat in it, great for those long 48 hour events), Black suit, Red tie, (should have got one with the red glasses on too, oh well...) And very sleep deprived...
Soon as i get copys of it il drop them online around my stuff.

Well thats it for this one...

 

Resting Transitions...

Well ive decided to end my nocturnal habit. I realised just how fucked up it was getting me. From feeling tired most of the time to being realy depressed...

I dont have the support in my life to live in that frame at the moment... Its very intensive... and its lonely...

Well im not going to go on anymore as im getting myself depressed with this...

Nocturnal Transmitions

Well is seems that ive become temporarily nocturnal...

After one realy long day on nondaay/teuseday i now seem to have wound up being in a nocturnal sleeping habit.... i doze off around 9am and wake up at 3-6 pm...
I never realy thought i had a body clock to speak off, and this seems to have proven it...

Well im going to be enjoying it while i can. I ahve to get back to regular hours for my second semester at uni soon...

So till monday im sleeping like a vampyre and loving every moment...

Who said the undead were hard to live with?

YahElite Hassles

Well what looked like my perect Yahoo chat client isnt quite as good as i thought...
 
YahElite started giving me shit today...
I think it could be the old Win95 Machine i was trying to run it on, but it still annoys me...
I realy like that program and i intend on getting it to work again...
 
For now im stuck with the old messenger...

Sighs...

Well i have to make a decision at this time...
I hate it when they come down to this kind of thing
But i have to decide to head off or stay longer...
If i stay longer I'll be more tired ad feel like heading off even less but i wont have to move yet...
If i head off then I'll have to move and I'll have to go home and face them all for the night... something i just dont feel like doing realy...

Well I'll just wait till after 9pm to decide... see how I feel then...

Reality?

I feel drawn to one question...
But its one I feel its not my place to ask...

I dont feel right asking someone...

The line between reality and delusion and belife is thinly drawn...
I dont feel right questioning someone i met at the very edge of that line...

Its so damn frustrating...

Feeling of the moment...

Depressed... And sinking deeper...

Damn Yahoo Spam filter

Why cant you stop stealing my mail...
Slashdot and IGN Update are not spam...
Fucking stop putting them in the bulk mail damn it...

That something missing...

I dont know what it is but hopefuly i can fill the void soon enough...
Something out there... or Someone out there...
The thing that i need in my life to end my depression...
Or at least permanantly sate it...

Its a long slow ride to insanity... I should be there by now but my life is to tied up with things for me to slip that far...

All the stuff i do keeps me from sliping all the way... Each class, assignemnt, errand...etc drags me back from my own mind to the collective "reality" where I'm perfectly normal and stable... And every time i slip back as soon as its gone... Feeling more disgusted with myself for it each time...
Each time it happens i just deny myself for everyone else...
And its sickening to repeat it over and over...

I still cant bring myself to the resolution...

Damn web site

I think that the closer i get to finishing the site the more I put it off...
As if i dont realy want the site itself, just something to build...
Another thing to fill the depressing space in my life...
Until I find the permanant solution anyway...

Peace again

Well the professors have left now...

The stress is going away...

But the depression is taking its place...

Not realy the best trade off id say...

Authority... aka damn its the fuzz

well now i have 2 proffesors roaming around in my comp lab. They seem to be keeping their distance... At least i have some luck it seems...
But they're unnerving me like all hell...
I have a general dislike of people and most who know me find out why and deal with it.
But its not the kind of thing you just tell people so there arent many that know...

Urgh...

Surrounded but lonely...
Probably the worst feeling there is i suppose...

That all the people around you mean nothing and your isolation is deep and personal...
You cant even tell what it is thats isolating you...
But you know that its not going to go away...

Ive been without my music of days now...
All i have is fragments of my collection on some CDs...
I cant bring myself to listen to it anymore... despite how depressed i am without it...
I cant stand hearing it messed up by my fucked up headphones...
That makes me feel even more depressed... Its further proof of the gradual erosion of reality into eternity's abyss......

I'm sick of all the temporary fixes to my depression...
And I'm fucking fed up of having to hide it from my family...
All because Id have to explain to them the cause of the depression, something I realy do not want to do...
The fact is i realy cant bring myself to tell them...
Thats probably part of the problem i guess...

501s

Damn i love these jeans...

Damn holidays...

Rest of family on holidays...
Intruding on my life...
Its driving me fucking insane...

argh!!!!

Time

Time is one thing i both have to much of and never enough of...

Headphones....

My headphones gave out on me a couple of days ago...
They still work realy but, its just theyve lost all responce to a particular frequency...

I thought I could deal with it... But its hard...
I can be a perfectionist... And with my music i can get very moody if things arent ok with it...
The problem is driving me crazy... i cant compensate it out, and i cant work out what happened...
Its realy beggining to depress me... I put so much effort into reorganising and improving my music collection and Winamp this week...
Now it all sounds bad, and makes me feel depressed...

All these 'I's must make me sound self absorbed or something...

Its very hard to express some things with out them though...

Why cant things just be more manageable...

Damn

Feeling as though you dont have a purpose realy does just suck

Wired News: Pursuing the Libido's Dark Side

Wired News: Pursuing the Libido's Dark Side

Well well the times have come at last...

Were adding more and more realism to our fantasies...
Wont be long till we have those round orange pods all ready to lose your life in...

Another way to lose yourself is gestating in this...
And it doesnt realy matter...

Fucking Winamp plugins

Damn WMA files... bane of my media collection...

For all the tech support and readme files i cant get them to play now... damn things...

well i suppose ill just switch over to WMP for a while as much as i hate it

Damnable Audio setup

Just when i perfect my software audio settings...

The damn Hardware gives me shit...

Damn crap...

Empty days...

Sometimes theres just nothing to say...
Or anything to say it about...

Bad day... Good Day..

First its bad then its good. lifes like that some times...

Lost my wallet in the morning and while i was wating for it to get back to where i could pick it up, I found a place where i may be able to get a job some time soon...

And so it all turns onward as usual...

Big Weekend...

Well now its all over and i can muse over the events of the last 3 days.
They went rather well actualy...

the lan i went to went fairly well, and i got plenty of good files there.

Not a bad reason not to sleep for 40 hours over

Web site nearly done at last

Well its on the final stretch now. All i have to finish uploading is the themes then i just have to configure it all.

mabey a week if im lucky lol

ViewSonic: Products: Desktop Displays: LCD Displays: Pro Series: VP2290b

ViewSonic: Products: Desktop Displays: LCD Displays: Pro Series: VP2290b

Drool...

Damn... Must... buy... 2... soooo... cooolll....

Not the best thing for a shit faced mood

When the World Ends [Oakenfold Remix] - Matrix Reloaded: The Album Disc 1

Not the best track to have come up in the shuffle, when im in a morbid, lonely, potentialy destructive mood...
Damn It....

Isolation is not a good thing...

Its when Im alone...
Thats when its the worst...
Without anything to level myself against... It just gets worse...

Like now...

You can be surrounded by people and still be completely isolated...
All it takes is a difference...
One thing to cut you off from them and then your alone...

Like now...

Fuck it all...
I'm sick of the feeling...
But the burden will never shift...
Theres no way to undo the past...
And my burden will never lift...
It grinds away my existence...
Peice by peice...
Scatered...
Shattered...
Cast adrift...
Fuck it all to hell...
It doesnet matter in the end anyway...
My end still aproaches...
Just as it always has...
And always will...