These moods...

This is the mood i worry about when im not in it. Right now I'm drifting in and out of it...

Its the mood where I worry what I may do...
Its the mood i worry about sinking too far into and perhaps never returning from...

Its the mood that unchains me in the most dangerous way...
I despeartly fear what may become of me if I ever slipped too far into it...

It would not be pleasant...
For anyone or thing that crossed me...
Regardless of how i end up in this mood, my fears are all that keep it in check. I have no wish to devastate a large chunk of western civilisation...

But in this mood, I honestly fear that one day I just may lose myself, forget all that holds me back... and do so...

I hope that day never passes... But the worst part of these moods is they hunger for it, they ravenously seek such final resolutions...

One day they may get it...
And then...
I dont know... I prefer not knowing...

Its safer if i don't...

Lucractius' Journal: Transience ~~ Revisited

Lucractius' Journal: Transience

Their all blind fools. Every fucking one of them wandering around in their madness and ignoring the inevitable truth. They mean nothing and they cant change that with anything. They build elaborate fantasies up in their minds to isolate them from the truth, protecting themselves with what they call sanity from the harsh reality that all of mankind could vitrify itself into the earth'd crust in one giant nuclear cataclysm to rival the sun for the breif seconds it lasts and the universe would be exactly the same. Just as cold empty and dead as it realy is, Humanities precence in the universe is nothing but a triviality of random probability. In all truth it does not wholy exist now, nor has it or will it ever.

Driven into a protective madness by the "reproductive urge", human filth just roams this rock wasting the precious entropy of the universe with its presence...

Eternity will grind its pathetic existence asunder and it will be as if it never existed...

Their all too fucking blind to see it...

Stupid mortal filth trying to grope eternity in their deluded hope of being something other than a transient probability in the universe...

Never deserved the sentience they have. It's wasted on such fools...

Fucking pathetic, deluded, mortal, filth...

Just cant be damned trying to express it anymore, Its not worth it, they cant see it. If they could they'd never have made it as far as they did.

MY idea! Im not letting another one slip past me

I've had too many ideas slip past me in my life, this time I'm going to be on the damn lead. Ive worked it out and I'll be the one who makes the $$$ from it. Well mabey not all the $ ill have to share it with some of the related Technologies owners... But itws still going to make me money.

Im going to get some people together on this, Im going to grasp this idea by the throat and im going to flay it out in all its glory and feast off it.

hahaha...

The web progresses

Everything grinds onward...

Damn linear temporal progression...

Well im still building my site... I have no clue what to do with it once its done but im going to build it anyway.
Its staving off the maddness in my life to a great degree.

MSN Fixed for good...

Well it seems ive finaly managed to get a proper working MSN client with no problems to speak of so far.

Its rather a relife after all the crap ive dealt with so far

Sigh

Great I settle in and start sloughing through the massive load of work i have to get done on various things and what happens i get forced to stop and wait till another time to do it. Having only got a fraction of it done...

Fucking world needs to rack off and let me try and deal with my own damn existence. Its fucking miserable enough as it is without having to suspend it in favour of some other more urgent task every 15 minutes..

Sigh... Fucking existence... sigh...

God was just this guy (Y'know?)

God was just this guy (Y'know?)

This is one of the most hilarious things ive ever read. Unfortunatly its that fact that it is so damn funny thats left me rather depressed for some reason...

Depression Again...

Chat room topic turned to the philosophical... And i sink strait into my eternity related depression. I would say "damn it" but i dont realy care...

Yahoo fixed at last

Well now i have my yahoo problem fixed im calming down, and Im not so damn pissed off now.
Overall a positive mood shift

Damn Yahoo

So now i get the info on whats up with yahoo. Not from yahoo themselves but from my slashdot daily.
Turns out they changed their protocols so now all the shit i use wont work. damn assholes.

Now i have to comb the net for a new fix for my stuff.

Fuck you yahoo!

WTF is going on. I just manage to get my damn chat back and i come back the next day and find i cant use it. Not because of a technical or network problem at my end... NO because I appear to have a ban/lock/whatever you fucking want to call it, on my Account. Ive been a well behaved (i dont boot, pst links or any of that shit, and i keep my head down when the shit hits the fan about others doing it) yahoo user for fucking years. Ive even had the same damn account for more than 3 years now.

Coming online to find the one of the main reasons i use Yahoo, locked down, and unable to be used has me fucking pissed off.

What the hell happend?!?! I Didnt do anything to get locked off and i know about all those dumbass shits that use programs ahd shit to lock other peoples account and stuff. But How the hell could it happen while i was logged off overnight?

A New MSN thing

Following the death of another MSN client... my 3rd so far, I've moverd on to another one.
While being far from perfect im rather satisfied with it so far.

Yahoo chat... again

Now fully operational i have my chat back and im losing my mind,
I havent been so distracted in months. good thing i only just got it after my uni exams

Yahoo Chat...

At last i can see the end of the tunnel. Ive managed to get yahoo chat to connect from behind my firewall.

All i need now is to get all the bugs ironed out...

I should have done psychiatry

I already analyse my thoughts too much and i go thought the motions of a councilor far to often...

I just couldnt stand getting any more ways to doubt my own mind than i already have...

Sliping back into old habits

Well you cant escape some things...
As soon as the the oportunity for them arises you slip back into old routines and pathways...
Ive begun slipping back to my old counceling role more and more often...
And carrying their burdens is something ive grown rather fond of not doing...

What the fuck happend to Dal Net?

Realy waht has happend to it. It used to be half decent. Now its almost impossible to get on and if you do, your likely to be attacked within seconds of getting on by all kinds of automated skriptz and shit.

Let us morn the passing of DalNet...

Sigh

Im kinda cold...
Im lonely as now msn has died on me again and wont reconect for some fucking reason...
Im bored just uploading files for my site...

Life fucking sucks...

Stupid WMP

Its taking forever to rip a couple of cds for me.

Im bored and annoyed...

Why oh why does PHP-Nuke have so many files

Its not like im getting pissed off for no reason, just an uncommon one.
I have to transfer all the files for my web stie in groups of 5 and the directory structure has to be made manual as well because of the draconian firewall blocking ftp from my University and me using an online Http:ftp gateway site.

damn it all...

RAhhhhh!!!!

So much shit going on.
I crave this feeling. Having more than one thing driving my mind in overdrive. Simultaneously balancing my efforts out accross multiple fronts...

Building my website, Building an array of proxy tunnels to access yahoo chat, IRC, My music, Posting this, and letting my mind wander on other thoughts.
This is what I crave...

Making a website can be such a pain...

I dont know why im going to such lengths to make the site.
But its giving me something to do, A thing ive been sorely missing of late...

Time slipping away...

Another day just passes through, less than a fraction of eternity.
It just slips past you as you exist in it...

Not caring...

Its a pain...
Im sinking into such a pit, I know my life has no purpose and it doesnt bother me, just about nothing bothers me, and that only makes the problme worse. I dont care anymore, its all been worn away by my life.
Its amazing to think that I've become a jaded and uncaring person. Looking back at it I cant even tell when it started. Its just become who I am...

I'm unable to find a long term drive, I don't care about feeling purposeless. I just drift along in life, from one momentary thing to another...

Most would try and do something about such a feeling of hopelessness, but I doesn't bother me anymore, just like everything else...

I hate the feeling, but I just dont care about it anymore...

Wandering off again....

As usual i have to drag myself out of pathos and perform the mundane things that jsut reinforce the feeling...

I dont know why i went on like that in my last entry but i liked it...

Transience

I'm sick of just passing from one interaction to another like some miniscule fleck of powdered catalyst in a chemical reacion. My life is pointless, I go from one event to the next, each event providing temporary, transient fufilment, a fleeting sense of purpose momentarily obtained as the event takes place. Then my life moves back to pointlessness and I sink back into apathy and pathos...

I'm fucking sick of it all...

Everything is going to die eventualy. Why does it bother to exist in the first place?...
I dont care if the whole physical universe ends with a Bang or a whimper. (Thats the Big Crunch and Heat Death theories respectively) Its going to fucking end and every fucking thing is going to disapear. Nothing fucking matters... Its all going to be wiped out in the end so why fucking bother...

Stupid arrogant fools who seek imortality will find their existences wasted. Those who appear to have gained it, physicaly of the body, or historicaly in the minds of every generation to come. They are nothing but pitiful fools who wasted their lives. All human existence will vansih and so will its memories, and its history... And their imortality with it. The unfathomable depths of the future grind away at every thing. No mind can handle eternity, those whose physical lives extend off into those shadows, their minds will be assaulted by the past as they graple with the present, and try and look into the blinding future of waht is yet to come for them. And they will fall... Their minds will erode into madness and chaos, and they will haunt the end times like the wretched fools they are. Such are the fates of those who try to deny the transience of all physical existence...

Eternity is not to be taken lightly... Eternity is immesurable, unfathomable, and above all else, indefatigable... All things are crushed before it as it grinds forward... Everything...

6 CDs in one afternoon

Well ive just set a new personal best Leeching record. 6 CDs worth of Mp3s at 160+bps in under 6 hours.

And for some reason i still feel unfufilled...

Life is just one long damn crapy ride... Theres no freaking point to it is there...
Realy... Just try and find one... come on.

Rack off, I dont need any more crap in my life...
The feeling of apathy is fucking bad enough as it is, without all these people making my life more fucking depressing...

Burning so many CDs....

Its kind of a pain realy...

Im onto my 4th cd as it type this line and I'll probably have 2 more to burn...

And i havent even burnt the raw data yet...

But the Game soundtracks are worth it...

F-Zero GX/AX Soundtrack

Game Music

All the F-Zero GX and AX Music is now Mine Hahahaaha

Going to burn it now...

Music Blitz

Game Music

Sill downloading the massive collection of Mp3s...

Ive now got all 43 AX Music Tracks

Now to get the Pilot Tunes...

This day rocks...

Game Music

Game Music

Right now im downloading the soundtrack from F-Zero GX, One of the best things ive heard in ages...

Cant wait till i finish it and burn them

Music | Media | Perfect Dark Recon

Music | Media | Perfect Dark Recon

FInaly i Have the soundtrack from Perfect Dark... Hahaha

New Prodigy Album!!

At last they're coming back...

Departing for my usual hole.

And life once again forces me to do what it wants, leave my state of pathos and do stuff.

Hopefuly this blog stie doesnt just disapear like another one did recently

local weather via RSS

local weather via RSS


Great now i can finaly check the weather without moving my ass from my computer, just what i need...

Why I dont make regular daily posts

Any of looking for a daily rant style of post from me, your chances are about as good as hell freezing over.

I post down what i think when i think it, I dont pre-prepare anything for my posts wander the net and the post all the sites ive looked at or any of that shit. Simply because I'm not that kind of dragon. If i take the time to write something its because I want it up for all to see at that moment, when i write it.

The other thing is I prefer short, more regular postings because they let me vent on a regualr basis, If you look at this youll see I tend not to censor myself, because in life there arent any fucking censors to "protect" you from things they dont want you to hear.

And if you dont like it go ahead and complain to me, I have the right to swear and iI intend to use it. and you cant make me post on any kind of regular basis, so if you dont like it you can take the opinion you were going to try and force on me and shove it. Or perhaps youll do something more constructive with it like write it down somewhere.

RSS feed are no substitute for a decent conversation

Bored out of my damn mind, and broke,

I dont give a shit right now. Hell Osama could set off a fucking nuke under G.W. Bush Jnr's ass right now and i wouldnt care the fucking least.

Pathos sucks, you dont give a shit, and you dont care you dont give a shit so you end up fucking stuck in that feeling while life grinds away at your brain.

News these days fucking sucks too.

Where have all the voices gone?

You know sometimes it realy can fucking piss you off when theres no one to talk to.

Bored out of my mind

Well driven insane by boredom ive scoured the net for cool plugins, and now ive moved on to one of those staples of fringe society, translating things into some made up language.

No i havent begun translating the XP help file into Klingon. Ive begun translating out the language package for Flashpeak software's SlimBrowser into 133+ yes another obnoxious use of the alphanumeric characters awaits.

Plugins For Trillian

Plugins For Trillian

My IM program of choise just keeps getting better and better now i've found 3rd party plugins for it.

The new Yahoo Mail !

I log on after my last exam and what do i see but a new more impressive yahoo mail.
Now years of carefuly guarding my email adress and details pay off. Hehe I have all i can ask for in an email now...

... Well exept gmails nice 1GB limit, though them giving me 100MB is still damn good.

Onward grinds eternity

Well now i have to head off as usual, and disconnect myself for untill after my Calculus exam tomorrow.

Hopefuly i wont die overnight. [Long odds but i realy would hate it if that happened.]

And hopefuly i dont fail the exam tomorrow.

Well...

...Whatever.......

OverClocked ReMix - Unofficial Game Music Arrangement Community

OverClocked ReMix - Unofficial Game Music Arrangement Community

Exelent music. Well worth a look.

Latest Stuff---


This info stays current thanks to a nifty script they have.

MegaTokyo - relax, we understand j00

MegaTokyo - relax, we understand j00

Hehe here we have a well know and developed plot line resorting to a cheap "oldest in the book" plot twist.

A title could never cover it all

A title could never cover it all

Plugging annother blog i have so i can spread the traffic around.

Damn...

Now I miss my wings... as usual...

stupid reincarnation...

Calculus

I officaily despise the state I enter prior to performing Calculus under examination conditions...

Blehhh

>>Wants to raze the exam roon from the air<<

Apathy

Just registering my feeling of the moment. So shove off... ahhh i realy couldnt care, do what you want.

deviantART: Gold Dust by ~Lucractius

deviantART: Gold Dust by ~Lucractius

Yes I actualy do have some talent.

Just working on making them into wallpapers then theyll stop being curious little pictures.

Yahoo!

Just fucking great...
I hate it when i forget someone ive chated with online.

Its worse when the main reason you save anyone as a contact is because cyberd or RPed with them.
Then a month later you hear from them and you cant fucking remember who the hell that name is.

Boredom & Exams

It never seaces to fucking amaze me just how bored i get during exams.
For some reason as soon as the pressure mounts in my life I just cease to notice it all.
Its such a fucking wonderful thing when you know you have to study but realy couldnt give a shit about it at all.

Right now, as of this very minute, as i type this, it looks to me as if life is just one long depression.
Its got me burned how with this week being looking so perfect i can feel like this....

Oh wait no it hasnt, I'm just succumbing to the realisation that the better it is the more can go wrong and the worse it can get.
Wondeful! Isnt life Fucking perfect enough, then you realise your having a three sided debate with yourself and each point of view is literaly talking back at you.

Just fucking perfect...